While this phrase has many meanings, I think it’s so appropriate to describe how I feel/what I’m experiencing at the moment. I’m in between, and being in between can be hard and confusing. I’ve experienced and explored this before in all my life moves (there’s been a lot). Leaving a place is hard as you are letting go, and the space in between before you transition to something new can be a rather uncomfortable place. Being in between in general, whether its between cultures, people, places can be complicated.
I have 3 days until I leave on my journey. I’m home for the holidays and I never feel how I think I am going to feel. I was planning to be so ready to go after 2 weeks at home, but I’m emotional and kind of sad, excited, and apprehensive. I mean, all the feelings. I love my family so much it hurts. Remind me again why I am leaving the people that love me dearly and want me to be here to go abroad by myself again? I know that if it was different, and I wasn’t going abroad, I wouldn’t feel this way. If I was staying here I’d be looking for some way to do what I’m doing anyway.
Truly, feelings are complex. Feelings of not being here, nor there, feelings of just being here now, because where else would I be? First, I have to try and figure out what I’m even feeling, then I have to feel them. The only way I’ve learned how to deal with feelings is just to let them come, observe then, feel them, and let them pass (they will pass). I know that this space of transition is a special place and fleeting, yet, what’s ahead of me is exciting and scary. I’m sure I won’t always feel good on my adventure (who always feels good), but it’s impossible to speculate how something will be or feel until I do it.
So alas, I’m in between. The ‘in between’ marks the ending of one thing and the beginning of another. This year has been the year of change and reflection. It’s brought closure to a job, many relationships, a city that I love, ideas that I had for my life, my twenties, and so much more. I have no idea what the next year will bring, how I will feel, and where I will end up. Not knowing is exciting and full of opportunity. I’m ready to move on the next adventure and out of the space between.